Chapter 28: The Adult World

Li Siwei wasn’t unfamiliar with homosexuality. Some students had even come out publicly at the film academy.

But they were all rich kids who could afford to play around. Li Siwei knew he didn’t have that luxury.

He had also heard more horrifying stories. A senior in his junior year stopped coming to class. He heard from his classmates that the senior had been kept by a real estate tycoon in Beishi. Later, Li Siwei occasionally saw him in cameo roles in popular dramas. Later still, he heard that his salary had risen to six figures per episode.

In their early twenties, a young and beautiful face seemed to be a valuable asset everywhere.

But the following year, the senior suddenly returned to school, wearing an inconspicuous black shirt, limping. Li Siwei saw him once in the dorm building. As they passed each other, Li Siwei noticed that he was missing a finger on his right hand.

Li Siwei was shocked.

No one dared to ask him what had happened. He only attended two days of classes. Entertainment reporters were always waiting at the school gate. After that, he took a leave of absence and disappeared, never to be seen again.

As graduation approached, Li Siwei often went to auditions. Sometimes, if there was a suitable role, he would take Yu Chuan with him. But in front of the casting directors and producers, they never mentioned their relationship, always saying they were friends from the same hometown.

Auditioning wasn’t easy. Many so-called casting directors weren’t part of the production team, but heads of outsourced casting agencies. Li Siwei submitted many resumes and headshots, but many were simply discarded.

Most auditions were held in hotels near the film studio. Li Siwei would often wait outside with his resume for a whole day. Once, he waited until late at night and fell asleep. When he rushed to the hotel reception to ask, he found that the casting director had already checked out and left.

Film academy graduates usually had only a few career paths. Those with good luck and family connections signed with big agencies and smoothly became actors. Those less fortunate, like Li Siwei, traveled all over the country for auditions, with no fixed abode.

Of course, there were exceptions. Han Xiao was the only one who didn’t pursue an acting career. The last time Li Siwei saw him was at their graduation ceremony. He drove a black sports car and parked it in the parking lot next to the school auditorium.

Later, Li Siwei heard that Han Xiao had gone back to inherit his family business. He had only been playing around at the film academy for a few years.

Li Siwei had seen that sports car when he was a model at the auto show. It had incredible acceleration, easily leaving others behind.

But in his early twenties, his old laptop took more than two minutes to boot up. The small motels he stayed in during auditions were always sunless. To dry his clothes, he had to wait two hours for the sun to shift. Small productions didn’t have water dispensers, and he had to queue for half an hour at the rest stop to get hot water.

Because he was poor, he had to spend more time on everything. Booting up his computer, getting hot water, waiting for the sun, and waiting aimlessly for opportunities.

Li Siwei first came to Lingang in his senior year, just before graduation. At that time, many of his wealthy classmates had already signed with agencies, some even starring in prime-time dramas. The film academy’s graduation ceremony was more stark than other universities’.

Some had already become big stars in the entertainment industry, escorted throughout the ceremony. Others were still struggling to make ends meet, standing in the obscure corners of the graduation photo.

The reason he came to the film studio was simple: there were many film crews here. Comedies, tragedies, thrillers, romances… different genres, different teams, starting filming every day. Li Siwei still wanted to make movies, even if it was just a small role. As long as his name appeared in the end credits, he would be satisfied.

Li Siwei had played a corpse, lying in the mud for two hours in a wet costume. The costume probably hadn’t been disinfected in a long time, because the next day, Li Siwei’s face was covered in allergic bumps. He lost two jobs he had already secured because of this.

He struggled in various productions for three years. The only friend he made was Fu Xiaoyuan, who, like him, drifted between different film sets. He became close to Fu Xiaoyuan because Fu Xiaoyuan came out to him.

Yes, Fu Xiaoyuan was gay. He didn’t hide it at all.

When he wasn’t working, he always wore a pair of black skull earrings.

Fu Xiaoyuan had very short hair, almond-shaped eyes, a thin build, fair skin, and no facial hair. He was often cast as a eunuch in historical dramas at the film studio.

There was a different hierarchy between the casting agents and the extras. But Fu Xiaoyuan seemed to navigate it with ease.

He seemed indifferent to everything, a troublemaker on set, often clashing with the crew and production team. He had even been kicked off set a few times just before filming.

But he could always find new work quickly, which, in Li Siwei’s eyes, was a talent in itself.

How to snatch roles, how to split the money, who got how much, if Fu Xiaoyuan got less than he deserved, no one would have a good time.

In a way, Li Siwei envied him.

Fu Xiaoyuan had three oval scars on his arm, looking quite old, slightly darker than his skin tone.

Li Siwei asked him how he got them. Fu Xiaoyuan, who was smoking, put out his cigarette and handed it to Li Siwei.

“This thing. Burns.”

Li Siwei subconsciously recoiled.

“Who did it?”

Fu Xiaoyuan grinned, not giving a straight answer: “Not me, that’s for sure.”

Yu Chuan didn’t come to Lingang; he stayed in Beishi. An editor at a magazine had taken a liking to him and would occasionally ask him to model for print ads. The pay was barely enough to make ends meet, but it was better than waiting around for work at the film studio. After recovering from the wire accident, Yu Chuan took on jobs non-stop, from TV commercials to promotional print ads.

Li Siwei sensed his strong desire to make money. He accepted all jobs, big or small. A few times, after pulling all-nighters, he had nosebleeds at home. If Li Siwei hadn’t happened to come home, the blood would have soaked his entire pillow.

They had saved up a small amount of money and no longer lived in the semi-basement. But rent in Beishi was too expensive. After looking for half a month, they ended up renting a first-floor apartment in a walk-up building. Fortunately, it had central heating and a private bathroom, barely livable.

At that time, Li Siwei felt that sunlight in big cities was sold by the gram. The wealthy lived in penthouses overlooking the city, paying two or three hundred thousand yuan per square meter for 180-degree panoramic windows, enjoying the freshest sunlight at any time.

But for people like them, having a ten-square-meter place to live in this city was already a blessing.

Li Siwei didn’t often go back to their apartment. He was worried that Yu Chuan wouldn’t take care of himself, so he would often buy things and send them back.

Every autumn, crabs were abundant in Lingang, and the streets were filled with fishermen selling them.

Li Siwei would buy crabs for Yu Chuan after work. Since crabs would spoil during shipping, he specifically asked the vendor to freeze them live to preserve their freshness.

Fu Xiaoyuan, who finished work with him, teased him: “For your boyfriend?”

Li Siwei was startled: “How did you know?”

He realized he had misspoken, but it was too late. Fu Xiaoyuan burst out laughing: “I was just kidding.”

Li Siwei was annoyed at his slip of the tongue. Fu Xiaoyuan shrugged indifferently: “What are you afraid of? There are plenty of people like us in this industry.”

They walked side by side for a few hundred meters before Fu Xiaoyuan stopped laughing. He suddenly stopped and blocked Li Siwei’s way.

Li Siwei almost bumped into him, crabs and all.

“What are you doing?”

Fu Xiaoyuan looked at his face, then at the crabs in his hand, and finally stepped aside.

“Don’t be too good to him.”

“What?” Li Siwei didn’t understand.

Fu Xiaoyuan walked another ten meters before speaking: “He’ll get used to it. Once people get used to it, they won’t cherish it.”

Li Siwei heard him chuckle. When he wanted to reply, Fu Xiaoyuan had already walked away.

The first week after the Spring Festival, Li Siwei left Beishi and returned to Lingang.

He and Fu Xiaoyuan were on the same set again, a modern drama. The production had been delayed for the Spring Festival, and the filming schedule was tight. They had been filming night scenes every day since Monday.

Li Siwei’s scenes were scattered, and he had to wait for notifications at the hotel every day, sometimes until one or two in the morning. His sleep became very light, afraid of missing the notifications.

The early spring in Lingang was still very cold. The film studio was near the coast, and the biting sea breeze seeped through the cracks in his hotel window. Li Siwei was drowsy, awakened by a gust of cold wind. He quickly checked his phone and saw a message from the producer two minutes ago.

He immediately got out of bed, put on his coat, and rushed to the set.

The hotel corridor was narrow, and the rooms were densely packed, with almost no sound insulation. As he walked down from the second floor to the first, he was suddenly drawn to a sound. It was coming from a room at the end of the hallway on the first floor. Li Siwei heard muffled shouts. A male voice, somewhat familiar, high-pitched and shrill, like a cry for help.

His heart pounded, and he walked towards the room.

The door wasn’t closed tightly, just slightly ajar. Li Siwei’s heart trembled. He peered through the crack and saw a scene he never would have imagined.

Two naked men were on the narrow double bed. The one on top was heavyset and fierce-looking, his back covered in sweat. Li Siwei recognized him; he was the casting agent for their drama.

And the one underneath, clutching the bedsheets and crying out, was Fu Xiaoyuan.

“Who’s there?” The man looked towards the door.

Li Siwei’s mind went blank. He turned and ran.

An hour later, after filming a scene in a daze, Li Siwei returned to the hotel, his head spinning, and saw a figure at his door. He subconsciously took half a step back.

“What? Do I disgust you now?” In the darkness, Fu Xiaoyuan, having changed his clothes, leaned against the doorframe with his arms crossed.

Li Siwei froze, looking at him against the light. Finally, he gritted his teeth and said: “If you really need money, I can lend you some.”

Fu Xiaoyuan laughed.

“Were you willing?” Li Siwei’s voice trembled. “If you were forced, tell me, I’ll call the police. Now, right now…”

“Willing? Forced?” Fu Xiaoyuan interrupted him. “Siwei, not everything in this world is black and white.”

Li Siwei looked at him, not understanding.

After half a minute, Fu Xiaoyuan turned and left, his back thin, his footsteps light.

Li Siwei didn’t see Fu Xiaoyuan for about a week after that. He seemed to have vanished into thin air, not at the hotel, not on set. Li Siwei had his phone number, but he didn’t dare to contact him.

Two days later, his part in the drama wrapped up. The producer, usually harsh towards the extras, was in a surprisingly good mood that day and said he wanted to treat everyone to dinner.

Li Siwei wanted to decline, but the producer said there would be extra red envelopes for those who attended. After some thought, he went.

The dinner ended early. Li Siwei didn’t see any red envelopes and was about to call a taxi back to the hotel, disappointed, when he was intercepted by the producer.

“Hey, Xiao Li, right? Come on, let’s go to the next round.”

Li Siwei shook his head, his expression awkward: “I won’t go, thank you. I don’t want to intrude.”

“Hey, what are you talking about?! There’s a VIP coming tonight!” The producer slapped him on the back and pushed him into a nearby taxi. Before the car started, he leaned in conspiratorially, “Such a good opportunity, you should be more proactive!”

He hadn’t expected the “next round” to be at a nightclub not far from the film studio.

Li Siwei had never been to such a place. Upon entering, he was assaulted by the smell of smoke and loud music. A long corridor, dimly lit by a few overhead lamps.

The producer walked in front, the keys at his waist jingling, like Li Siwei’s erratic heartbeat.

With a creak, a private room door opened before him.

The space inside seemed large, with three or four booths lined up, several huge marble coffee tables covered with various bottles of alcohol.

Li Siwei stood behind the producer, about to find an excuse to leave, when he saw an unexpected person.

Fu Xiaoyuan, whom he hadn’t seen for over a week, was lying on the sofa in the middle, his head resting on a man’s lap. The man was holding a cigarette, and Fu Xiaoyuan, his mouth slightly open, was inhaling the smoke.

He looked further inside and saw an even more shocking face.

Han Xiao sat in the booth at the very back, his youthful face standing out among a group of middle-aged men. He had a golden cage beside him. The white rabbit was there too. Han Xiao was holding the rabbit’s chin with one hand, stroking its smooth fur with the other.

Li Siwei was drenched in cold sweat, frozen at the door. The next second, he was pushed into the room.

The room was noisy. Before he could steady himself, a drunk man walked towards him, grabbed the back of his head, and shoved a glass to his lips.

“You’re here, now drink.”

Li Siwei’s jaw was squeezed out of shape, and he cried out in pain. From the corner of his eye, he saw Fu Xiaoyuan kneeling on the floor, red wine flowing down his neck and into his clothes. Fu Xiaoyuan’s face was flushed, and he was smiling obsequiously.

Li Siwei felt dizzy. He suppressed the urge to vomit and, using all his strength, pried the man’s hand away, his joints cracking. He pushed open the private room door and ran out as if escaping. Faint curses came from behind him.

It was a cold early spring night. It was Valentine’s Day, also the Lantern Festival. Fireworks exploded in the night sky, the sound deafening.

Li Siwei warmed his face with his hands. His phone buzzed in his pocket. His hands trembling, he tried twice before unlocking the screen.

Yu Chuan had sent him a message.

—I just finished work. Where are you?

Li Siwei paused, then raised his phone, pointed it at the night sky, and took a photo of the exploding fireworks. His hands were shaking, and the image was blurry.

—I just finished work too. Watching fireworks.

He sent the photo.

He put his phone back in his pocket and stood alone in the cold wind for a long time. So long that he could no longer feel the wind on his face.

The scenes he had just witnessed intertwined with the fireworks before him.

For the first time, Li Siwei hated his own hypocrisy. His situation was no different from Fu Xiaoyuan’s.

The true cruelty of the adult world was finally revealed to him.